Today I am tierd, upset, anxious, annoyed, and frustrated. I feel wronged and robbed. I want to scream but I remain silent. I want to speak but I have no words. How do I live in this space of pain and hurt? How do I continue to put one foot in front of the other when my heart feels lost in the past? How do I look at you and feel numb and hurt at the same time? I have come to accept that these questions may never be answered and that you will never be who I thought you were. It’s been over a year since I have seen you and I feel sickened by your face. I know what you did to me, the lies you told them, the distraction you’ve caused. I am still suffering at your hands but I would never let you know it.
There are something that I do miss. Having someone to come home to, being a part of an us, and sharing my journey with someone. It has taken me a while but I realize now that my life is beautiful in ways I never expected. I come home with an amazing little girl, we make up an us, and we’re on this journey together. Through the ups and downs we will always have each other. I’m there for her because I am the only one that can be. My heart aches knowing you will never have the father you should in the man that helped create such a wonderful being, but that doesn’t mean you won’t someday have the dad you deserve.
Tears want to fill my eyes as I lay here hurting reminencing. It’s all too much too take in at times. I try not to think too much about. I just go through the motions to get to the next day in hopes that moving along this path will place me somewhere better than I was before.
I tell my heart not to get angry and I prevent my soul from stirring. All of these negative feelings I feel for you aren’t doing anything good for me. Sometimes I think if I could go back in time, but to erase the one that was to come is something that I would never wish to be undone. She has purpose. A place in this world was made for her. Someday she too will rise to greatness!
Healing takes time and time is all I have in this world. Plant me by the stream and shine your love down on me so I may grow. Whisper words of encouragement so when hard times come I know I’ll make it through. Provide me nurishment with your time and I will become the one who our Father set me out to be.