Unbearable 

Dirty is your touch on my skin. Feel me. Breath me in. I’m waiting. Press into me with your lips. I feel everything you need me to. My eyes locked on you. My skin is pulsing and my heart is racing. Strip down for me and turn around. You like that and I like you. My wishes are your desires. You give me a thirst I can’t quench but with every thrust my heart wins. My body aches for your touch again. Raw is this feeling as nothing comes between us.

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This pain

“I can’t breathe!” That’s what I told my fiancé when he had his arm wrapped around my throat crushing my airway. I am still haunted by the memories and physically reminded of the pain I endured as my head is still very bruised from him punching me in the back of the head. He gave me a concussion but no one in his family sees any problem with that. His mother was more concerned about the 4lb bag of shrimp that she had bought for our daughter’s party that was called off because of Dan’s physical aggression. No matter how much I want to forget about the situation. I am forced to remember it everyday because I suffer from daily headaches, mental and physical fatigue, my right shoulder is injured and I frequently get dizzy. I have never sustained any injuries this bad before in my entire life and I never thought that they would be because of my fiancé. My heart is broken and I’m walking around in the dark trying to piece my life back together. Not only is my fiancé gone but so is the father of my daughter and my best friend. I feel so lost and the one person I want to run to for comfort is the one who did this to me. My heart breaks just thinking about how my precious daughter no longer has a father. I always thought that no matter Daniel’s and I’s relationship that he would always put Olivianna first but I was wrong. He endangered her life and nearly took mine. I may never be the same cognitively and I definitely will always have trust issues with men.

Dan and I even got the same new job. I thought it would be great but it has been nothing but a living nightmare. I wish my tears could type this story for me because my heart aches just recounting the details. I feel so disgusted. The one person who also swore to protect me is the one person who has hurt me the worst out of everyone I have ever known.

I was so foolish. I should have called the police on him but I was scared. Scared of what it would mean for me and him. Scared of what would happen with our daughter. I was in disbelief that what had happened actually happened. I just wanted to get away and make everything disappear. I was now a single mother. Life was never going to be easy ever again. Our beautiful wedding was never going to happen. Us buying a house together to raise our family was never going to come true. We will never grow old together. We will never take our big family trip to Disney anymore. His family will never be my family. Olivianna and I will only have each other. I may never have anymore children. I never want to feel responsible for putting an innocent child through this again. In a blink of an eye I was alone and  we were no more.

As my world was crashing down all around me I just felt numb. Living in an alternate reality is what my life now felt like. I thought maybe I should just leave and start a new life.

I cry at all the oddest of places and the still moments of my life are when every negative thought comes flooding back to me. Am I really having to go to court with my fiancé. Did he really just tell me that he didn’t care if his daughter ended up homeless? Is he really refusing to pay the rent because he said he doesn’t live there anymore. I said because of your actions I have missed two days worth of pay from my old job, two days of school, part of my day at my new job, and our daughter is now going to daycare fulltime. Additionally, I have to pay extra for someone to watch her at night and you are worried about $966. Our words were few when we did speak. No I’m sorry. No how is she. No remorse. He walked past me like he never knew me. It’s been 8 months since he’s seen our daughter and he acts like she was never born. A piece of my shattered story crumbles even more as the months pass on the days grow harder. I never picked this life and too often I wish I could quit.

 

If I

If I forget you then do you forget me?

If I feel pain do you hurt too?

If I live today and die tomorrow will you see tomorrow or will you die with me and just forget it all the same?

If I say your name do you speak mine?

If I move on do you hold on?

Are you waiting for me?

Should I wait for you?

Are we lost? 

If we’re together will we be found?

Are you sorry for what you did?

I’m not sorry for what I said.

If I go right will you go left?

Am I going insane? 

Your name still runs across my brain.

Confused

Lost in this mental space

Confused as my mind takes pace

Your name on my lips

That’s a shame

Time

It’s a precious instrument

Delivered from the heavens above

A gift with no return

Yet an absence for which your heart will yearn

Pain

Suffering

Hurt

Words I no longer want to feel

Damaged

Bruised

Confused

I just want to heal

Your name on my lips

That’s a shame

Confused in this mental space

Lost as my mind takes pace

Blunt

Being a woman is no joke in this society.

Sit nicely, wave, and smile politely.

I have thoughts, fears, intentions, and demands.

I have a voice that commands and eyes that pierce.

My weapon is my freedom

Free thought.

It’s something no one can cage.

It can be ignited with rage.

Dangerous if untamed.

Unleashed they think we are.

Always in need of domestication.

One life. One soul.

Long flowing curls

She sits. She thinks.

Her soul it grows.

Picture This

Young.

Beautiful.

Sexy.

That’s me.

Or is it the girl you want me to be?

Intelligent.

Captivating.

Heart Throb.

Sounds about right doesn’t it?

Am I a fantasy

OR

Am I real?

Can I think?

Not sure how to feel.

Follow me and I’ll show you that I can be real.

Life tells you who to be.

Encased in the best.

If I fall I may break

I am your source of happiness.

I am the place you share your sadness.

Look here.

Look there.

I can be found everywhere.

See me.

Feel me.

Breath me.

I am picture perfect.