Words of heartache

Today I am tierd, upset, anxious, annoyed, and frustrated. I feel wronged and robbed. I want to scream but I remain silent. I want to speak but I have no words. How do I live in this space of pain and hurt? How do I continue to put one foot in front of the other when my heart feels lost in the past? How do I look at you and feel numb and hurt at the same time? I have come to accept that these questions may never be answered and that you will never be who I thought you were. It’s been over a year since I have seen you and I feel sickened by your face. I know what you did to me, the lies you told them, the distraction you’ve caused. I am still suffering at your hands but I would never let you know it.

There are something that I do miss. Having someone to come home to, being a part of an us, and sharing my journey with someone. It has taken me a while but I realize now that my life is beautiful in ways I never expected. I come home with an amazing little girl, we make up an us, and we’re on this journey together. Through the ups and downs we will always have each other. I’m there for her because I am the only one that can be. My heart aches knowing you will never have the father you should in the man that helped create such a wonderful being, but that doesn’t mean you won’t someday have the dad you deserve.

Tears want to fill my eyes as I lay here hurting reminencing. It’s all too much too take in at times. I try not to think too much about. I just go through the motions to get to the next day in hopes that moving along this path will place me somewhere better than I was before.

I tell my heart not to get angry and I prevent my soul from stirring. All of these negative feelings I feel for you aren’t doing anything good for me. Sometimes I think if I could go back in time, but to erase the one that was to come is something that I would never wish to be undone. She has purpose. A place in this world was made for her. Someday she too will rise to greatness!

Healing takes time and time is all I have in this world. Plant me by the stream and shine your love down on me so I may grow. Whisper words of encouragement so when hard times come I know I’ll make it through. Provide me nurishment with your time and I will become the one who our Father set me out to be.

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Hear me

There are so many things I want to say and do but fear is holding me back. I’m afraid I will be found. Afraid he will know where I am. I am afraid someone will send for him to come find me. I fear he is plotting against me, waiting for me to slip up and disclose my location. I fear we may run into each other in public, and I won’t be prepared. I’m not ready.

It’s been 1 year and 5 months since I was attacked in my home by my ex. It feels unreal to type that, and I feel so exposed saying it. I told my story to my close friends and family around me after it happened and it’s a story I have yet to retell since. I’m embarrassed, disgusted, angry, hurt, saddened, and frustrated. I feel silenced, muted, and shamed. I feel as though I disappointed those who don’t really seem to care about me at all.

I still hear the dreadful thoughts of why him, how could you, why didn’t you wait, why didn’t you use protection, what are you gonna do about that. The thoughts don’t just go away after they’re said. I hear them every so often and it stings. I shrink a little bit more inside myself each time.

It’s a struggle to go out in public at times. I get anxiety attacks and the room starts spinning. My eyes lose focus, and I can’t see. I feel like I’m going to tip over and pass out. I feel like everyone is watching my every move. I’m afraid to look over my shoulder to check because they might think I’m up to something. I feel panicked. I circle around and quietly talk to myself until I can feel calm again. It’s easier to stay home. It’s easier to not be seen. They don’t get it.

Who does really? You can’t let anyone in if you never speak. Never tell your story or share your life. Who am I? I’m not the girl I’m used to seeing in the mirror. This girl seems fatter, has scars all over, smiles but is sometimes crying on the inside. She’s hurt and she’s dying. The less she is seen the more she fades. Look at me, referring to myself in 3rd person. It’s become a habit. I am distanced from my own self. I want to offer myself love but in what form? Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I acted out on the hurt I felt inside.

When I think about who that girl would be I see someone who is hanging around crap people making bad life choices never finding anyone who truly loves her. I see her having tried coke, smokes daily and drinks nightly. She sleeps around to feel more than just the pain that numbs her daily. She wants it all to be over. She has a boyfriend. He’s not very nice. He hurts her and she figures if she hurts him than they’re even. But that’s not how love is supposed to work. She knows that in her heart but that’s how all her relationships are. Let downs.

I’m glad I never let that girl be. I don’t want to be that part of me. That saddness that is always lingering in the corner saying what if. That place of temporary happiness drowned in emotional envy of those who have it all. Daddy issues on top of baby daddy issues and no one around to give a damn. I don’t want to be her. She’s bitter, angry, and cold.

They say hurt people hurt others. What they don’t tell you is that they often hurt themselves. They take away so much of themselves that they have no choice but to reach out and take away some of someone else. It’s tragic.

I don’t want to hide or be hurt anyone. I so afraid of what is to come if other’s hear the truth. I’m afraid of who I’ll be forced to be. Seen in the eyes by others as a loser, a failure.

I guess in the end there is only one way to find out. It’s time I finally speak out.

Laying here

I’m laying here in bed shedding tears to country music playing on my radio while I am flipping through the Instagram pages of happily engaged couples wondering when and if I will ever meet someone who loves me unconditionally. My life isn’t anything of what I ever imaged it would be when I was a child but in some ways I am living the dream I never dreamed. After my ex and I split up I felt devastated and relieved. I wondered if my life would ever shine again. I felt like I had lost my spark, but it’s been a year and I’ve realized that my life will be beautiful in different ways. I’ve also realized that It’s okay to let go of some of the dreams little girl me dreamt and dream new dreams as a young woman.

Dear Men

Dear Men,

Why is it so hard for you guys to text a girl back? Are we not interesting enough if we aren’t showing you some scandalous part of our bodies? Are we not sexy enough if our Instagram isn’t showcasing our boobs and butts? Are we not fun enough if you can’t see on snap every weekend that we are out exploring the city and the people in it? I just don’t get it. Sure we all have our own lives… or at least we should and we are all adults here..right?? I mean is it to much to ask for someone to be interested in actually communicating with me? You know something beyond asking me how I am doing and how work is going or what movies I like to watch. It seems as though once we get past those hurdles the conversation is over. And don’t even get me started on what it’s like if we are actually hanging out. I say something and then before you know it you are hinting at shoving your sausage into my biscuits… and I’m not talking about breakfast. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic or suddenly super intrigued by men because I am finally feeling open to meeting people again.. Whatever the case you guys have got to do better. No I will not be joining the Tinder band wagon…again. And no I will not be creating an online dating profile. Why? Maybe I get tired of stressing the fact that I am NOT interested in hooking up with complete strangers or maybe because the last guy I online dated got me pregnant and now acts like we never existed. But the latter part is a whole other story. My point is if you are interested in texting a girl back just say so. Don’t wait until it’s been 2 and half days and pretend like you are just now seeing her text! Anyways I digress, I suppose this is the playing field we young 20 somethings are left to navigate after we graduate from college single. If only the last guy I dated from college wasn’t gay…I have got to get better at picking up on that!

Sincerely,

girl who just wants to be texted back

Missed Me Yet?

Missed me yet my sweet darlings?

While you’ve been here waiting, I’ve been out.

Out tasting the fruit of the forbidden,

quenching every desire on my own accord.

While you pluck away at your silly lost loves heart strings

I have taken the world by storm,

blazing a new trail with every mani-pedi and root touch up I get.

While you search for news,

I make it

While you wonder what’s for dinner,

I am the main course,

I am the one you want to be,

I am the one you will never meet,

I am effortless and unobtainable.

Rumor has it

They say two can play a game, well this one has three. You, me, and other one I see. Careful sweetie, this one has claws and last I checked you broke the friendship laws. Don’t you know better than to double cross someone? I wonder what she’ll say when she finds out she’s been played? Grab your popcorn ladies, this match just got lit. And rumor has it I hold the final score!

XOXO

 
*Editor’s note: Is it wrong to want to be the voice of Gossip Girl? She has all the best lines!

Tread lightly

They say a girl like you will never know of life on the Upper East Side. Well careful my darlings, this one doesn’t play fair. We all have secrets and some are darker than others. But be warned my fair maiden, crossing my path will leave you scorned. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Well I hope you brought your appetite because it’s time to eat up!

XOXO

 

*Editor’s note: I’ve been bingeing on Gossip Girl lately and was feeling inspired to write my own little snippet. Funny thing is this is actually true.