Laying here

I’m laying here in bed shedding tears to country music playing on my radio while I am flipping through the Instagram pages of happily engaged couples wondering when and if I will ever meet someone who loves me unconditionally. My life isn’t anything of what I ever imaged it would be when I was a child but in some ways I am living the dream I never dreamed. After my ex and I split up I felt devastated and relieved. I wondered if my life would ever shine again. I felt like I had lost my spark, but it’s been a year and I’ve realized that my life will be beautiful in different ways. I’ve also realized that It’s okay to let go of some of the dreams little girl me dreamt and dream new dreams as a young woman.

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Dear Men

Dear Men,

Why is it so hard for you guys to text a girl back? Are we not interesting enough if we aren’t showing you some scandalous part of our bodies? Are we not sexy enough if our Instagram isn’t showcasing our boobs and butts? Are we not fun enough if you can’t see on snap every weekend that we are out exploring the city and the people in it? I just don’t get it. Sure we all have our own lives… or at least we should and we are all adults here..right?? I mean is it to much to ask for someone to be interested in actually communicating with me? You know something beyond asking me how I am doing and how work is going or what movies I like to watch. It seems as though once we get past those hurdles the conversation is over. And don’t even get me started on what it’s like if we are actually hanging out. I say something and then before you know it you are hinting at shoving your sausage into my biscuits… and I’m not talking about breakfast. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic or suddenly super intrigued by men because I am finally feeling open to meeting people again.. Whatever the case you guys have got to do better. No I will not be joining the Tinder band wagon…again. And no I will not be creating an online dating profile. Why? Maybe I get tired of stressing the fact that I am NOT interested in hooking up with complete strangers or maybe because the last guy I online dated got me pregnant and now acts like we never existed. But the latter part is a whole other story. My point is if you are interested in texting a girl back just say so. Don’t wait until it’s been 2 and half days and pretend like you are just now seeing her text! Anyways I digress, I suppose this is the playing field we young 20 somethings are left to navigate after we graduate from college single. If only the last guy I dated from college wasn’t gay…I have got to get better at picking up on that!

Sincerely,

girl who just wants to be texted back

Missed Me Yet?

Missed me yet my sweet darlings?

While you’ve been here waiting, I’ve been out.

Out tasting the fruit of the forbidden,

quenching every desire on my own accord.

While you pluck away at your silly lost loves heart strings

I have taken the world by storm,

blazing a new trail with every mani-pedi and root touch up I get.

While you search for news,

I make it

While you wonder what’s for dinner,

I am the main course,

I am the one you want to be,

I am the one you will never meet,

I am effortless and unobtainable.

Rumor has it

They say two can play a game, well this one has three. You, me, and other one I see. Careful sweetie, this one has claws and last I checked you broke the friendship laws. Don’t you know better than to double cross someone? I wonder what she’ll say when she finds out she’s been played? Grab your popcorn ladies, this match just got lit. And rumor has it I hold the final score!

XOXO

 
*Editor’s note: Is it wrong to want to be the voice of Gossip Girl? She has all the best lines!

Tread lightly

They say a girl like you will never know of life on the Upper East Side. Well careful my darlings, this one doesn’t play fair. We all have secrets and some are darker than others. But be warned my fair maiden, crossing my path will leave you scorned. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Well I hope you brought your appetite because it’s time to eat up!

XOXO

 

*Editor’s note: I’ve been bingeing on Gossip Girl lately and was feeling inspired to write my own little snippet. Funny thing is this is actually true.

You know who knows

Watch me.

Tantalizing.

Exciting.

You can’t turn away.

I bite my lip.

You like that.

I’m your naughty little kitty.

Always causing a stir,

Punish me.

You know I’ll like it.

Careful though,

I’m not as innocent as I seem.

I see you and you see me.

How long must me draw these games out for?

A little bit of cat and mouse?

Time is wasting and I’m bored.

Let’s make it interesting.

Satisfy me before I do

Or all of this will have just been in your wildest dreams.

Make me an offer I can’t turn away from,

Put it all on the table.

I’m more of a visual learner anyways.

Had enough?

Come and get me! 

Dear Readers

Today I cried, I screamed, and felt incredibly depressed and sad. Today was actually a mix of a good day and an awful day. It started off great. I got some rest and didn’t wake up to a crying baby for once. I had breakfast and got dressed to take my daughter to her appointment. That’s when things started to take a turn for the worse. I arrived at the clinic for her appointment and they said it was scheduled for October 25th. I got pissed and was like are you kidding me I scheduled it for today to match my other appointment. Than the lady was telling me of the other openings she could be seen at. So I scheduled her for later. I thought that was crazy and I wonder just how dumb people can be that they can’t even get one thing like setting an appointment correctly right. I drove over to Aldi’s only to get there and realize I had no quarters to get a cart and I saw in my purse that I was going to use my WIC today as I had stuffed the card in there last night. I took a moment to think and thought ugh why can’t anything just go right today. So I pulled out my planner as that’s where I turn my life isn’t making sense and there it was. Today was October the 18th! I was scared! That meant that I was supposed to be at work today and Olivianna was supposed to be at daycare. That meant that the day I had put in to be off on was next week and that her allergy appointment was not today. That meant I was going to have to pay for Oli’s daycare for a day she wasn’t even there on. I was having a full blown panick attack and could barely work my phone anymore to call my job. I called my teamlead Elisha. She seems to be the one I turn to for life advice in these situations. I carefully asked her if I was supposed to be at work today or if I was off. Turns out my planner was right. Of course it was! That’s why I keep it with me. This has never happened to me before. My head was spinning and I called my boss and rambled on about how I messed up and was now trying to move her appointments to today. I felt relief when the allergy clinic said they could take her and when the daycare said they would just move around the vacation day I had scheduled for Oli. I was feeling semi-okay. I was coming down from my panic attack. I called her clinic back and moved up the physical she was supposed to be having done for her surgery that is coming up. But something told me that was almost too easy. That for an allergy clinic I had to book months in advance for Oli to be seen that moving the appointment to today shouldn’t have been that smooth sailing. I was right! I called the allergy clinic back to confirm the doctor Oli would be seeing at 2pm and that’s when the lady said I didn’t have an appointment for today. I calmly explained that I had just spoken with someone else a few minutes and the said I could come in today. That’s when she said that girl was new and mis-informed me because Oli will be a new patient. I basically ended up trying to beg to see if the doctor could take her today at 2pm anyways despite it falling outside of their guidelines for new patients. I pled my case of my mix up and crossed my fingers while praying to God there could be some sort of special exception for me today. Turns out there wasn’t. Ugh I felt doomed to a day of misery. My heart longed to be sitting in my comfy desk chair and not living this nightmare of a mix up. I felt so dumb. I felt stupid. This wasn’t me. I always have it together. I am the one who gets things right. I am the one who figures out how to solve the problems. Not today though. That was most definitely not the case. I was sitting in my car outside of the health clinic where Oli was supposed to be getting her physical done in about 1min wondering if I should cry and scream really quickly, call my manager back and explain once again there was another mixup, call the daycare back and unbeg for the vacation day to be moved today, or maybe keep the vacation day at the daycare and call the babysitter to come watch her and I could work half a day and just use half a personal day, but the appointment falls in the middle of the day for next week and how would I even get there and work and than haul her back across town to what work for 2 hours. Ugh my head was spinning. Running through every possibility possible. None of them would work because I would have to call the allergy clinic back first to see if I can get back the appointment for next Wednesday I had already moved to December now, than call the daycare back to see if Oli could come for half a day since she had missed so much now (this would have involved more begging since their policy states no drop offs past 11am), and then call my manager back and explain that despite everything I said earlier there has been a change of plans and I still need next Wednesday off. Ugh a totally nightmare! So I did not of those things. Instead I went inside for my daughter’s appointment and hung my head low. Here I was again for an appointment I had yelled at you for not being right but it was right and now I need the next avail opening to someone swing something positive out of today. I tried telling myself that today will be what I make of it, but so far all I had made was just a huge mess. After her appointment I went grocery shopping. I felt like an emotionless zombie walking through the aisles. People would come up and say how cute Oli was and I would just laugh uneasily and walk away. I hate having attention drawn to me in public and with the way I was feeling I felt like I was walking around with a sign on me announcing how dumb I was today. Then of course no shopping trip that falls over lunch and nap time is complete without a melt down at the checkout. Scooping your child off of the floor is never a pleasant experience and I literally don’t even make eye contact with anyone ever when she acts up anymore. It’s just annoying seeing everyones faces and me imagining what they must be thinking. Then of course my mind just wonders back to how much I hate Dan for making me go through all of this alone. But nonetheless I scooped her up and asked her if she would like to help me push the cart and suddenly my loving sweet baby girl appeared. I left feeling proud of myself. I reminded myself that I am in control of my day and that I can’t live my life around her nap/lunch schedule. We drove home and my mom finally returned my call from earlier. That’s when the tears started pouring. My mom said she’s had times like that too and that it’s okay and to just make the best of it. I wiped my tears and was glad Oli was occupied by her toys in the living room because I don’t like her seeing me when I get upset like that. I gave her some lunch and put her down for a nap. I was afraid the nap was going to be a battle since it was in the middle of her normal nap time but it worked out fine. She didn’t fall asleep right away but she was quiet so I got to have some me time. I told myself that a day like today was bound to happen. Oli hasn’t been sleeping through the night for the past month and a half which means I have not been getting any sleep, my car needs a bunch more of repairs aside from the nearly $800 I just spent on it, my apartment is raising the rent by $30 a month, I still don’t have any child support/nor can I get in touch with my case worker and all of Oli’s appointments are consuming my every thought. I thought maybe I should check myself into the hospital for the day so I can take a break. I was worried that the post concussion syndrome was now causing me to have memory issues, but I think I was just being over dramatic. So tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will get it right this time. All in all today was eye opening and taught me to not be so quick to speak. If I had just listened to what the lady was saying about her appointment I still could have gone into work and dropped Oli off and made up the time difference over the week. But, I was loud and stubborn. I felt like today God was holding a mirror up to my face saying look at who you are. Lesson acknowledged, I can’t say learned because I know it will take time to change but I’m getting there.