The Way We Loved

I miss you. My memories torture me with a past that came to an end too suddenly. I wish you were still here with me by my side. I think of you more now than I did before. I try denying my feelings but that hasn’t helped at all. I know every reason why we should never be together and for some reason none of that matters. The more I keep myself from you the more I want you near me. We shared so many laughs and sometimes I feel as though I would give you the world just to see you again. I see your face in the tears that pass over my eyes. I’m reminded how our story ended and regret that it was ever written. I tasted love or so I thought.

True love never fades. I remember telling you that after an argument. We fought a lot, but that’s how we showed our love. We wanted to be the only people who existed in each other lives so we fought hard to make it so. You pushed and I gave. It was just me and you against the world. I couldn’t bare to face my friend’s judgments or hear what my mother had to say. The closer we got the more I forgot. As long as we were writing our happy ending I was okay with the changes in the tide, but eventually you grew weary. You needed something more to control. You had my friends and family but that wasn’t enough. I needed to suffer to show you my love. I grew from the pain you watered over me. Long fights, hot tears, and suffocation. Love was misery, and I was afraid we were reaching our end. You left for Texas and things got hazy.

Everything you said I couldn’t do became okay for you. I didn’t want to fight so I let it go each night. The clubbing, the bars, it was so much to take in and you were so far. I didn’t care. I tried not to care. I thought maybe we were just reaching a new stage of us. We were finally realizing the boundaries we gave each other were too short. We had trust or so I thought. I never knew how easy it was for you for mine to become lost. I was the liar, the cheater, the one who you couldn’t love anymore. Those were the secrets you held in your heart toward me.

You took my love and threw it so far that sometimes I wonder how we made it this far. I never meant to hurt you. I only ever loved you. You made it hard to sleep, knowing that your heart would never be mine to keep. But you were right.. I did lie and cheat but never to you. You were wrong about who. I lied to myself thinking that this was meant to last, and I cheated myself on what I deserved.

I just wanted to be loved. I wanted you to hold me and never let me go but it took me this long to even begin to know, that the love I thought we had was never really sown. See in my heart I loved you, I gave up everything just for you. My religion, my friends, my family, and my schooling. I didn’t care as long as there was me and you. But in your heart the meaning of love had long been turned to dust.

It wasn’t your fault I would say. Your parents were cruel and treated your harshly anyway. It was my duty to show you love but I was blind cause that could never be taught. At least not by me. I had my own holes in my heart to fill.

Feeling abandoned with no father who called, the words I love you from him meant nothing to me at all. I spent most days wishing he would appear. I dreamed of the day he would even meet me and all. But when that day came it rained the hardest, and the cloud I was on suddenly came crashing down. Our stories are different but the meanings are the same. We both couldn’t love each other because we hadn’t properly known how to give it. Sure I was loved and of course you were too but when it came to men I wasn’t sure how to love myself first.

We needed time apart. Time for ourselves to heal from the pain we caused each other and to become unblinded by the fairytale we had wrapped our lives in, but I wanted it to be real. I was so busy picking up all of the pieces of us we had torn down over the years that I was missing who you were becoming. I was so focused on the past and getting back to what we had. I just wanted you. I wanted us.

After our conversation that day I cried so hard I had trouble breathing, but you couldn’t hear my pleas. You were too far away to care. I sat there shaking hoping the next knock on my door would be you trying to make everything better. I needed you. Why couldn’t you see that?

But you were never coming to my rescue. Our story had finally ended. Sure we had our casual bump ins and awkward acknowledgements, but the silence between us cut into me like never before. As the days past on the wound began to heal. So I really can’t piece together how I ended up sobbing so much while typing this up. It makes me wonder if what we had was really love.

Maybe love hurts sometimes and maybe it’s just different for everyone. No matter the case our ending will always be the same. No matter how many times I go back through my mind hoping there is someway somehow there can be an us. We always end apart. I just wish my heart could acknowledge that but the way we loved will forever be lost.

 

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