Their voices surrounded me as I laid there motionless. My mind was drawing so far back my sight was becoming useless. Where is this place? It must be stored deep within, like an old box left behind in the attic no body really wants to take a peak in. The sound of the water bubbling from my lips as my body became more limp in the tub drew my mind back to the present. I wonder what it would be like, to be dead. To not have any cares, worries, stress, anxiety, or depression. The room was an ugly shade of yellow from the faded walls with outdated peeling wall paper and a brown shade that hovered over the light fixtures. The soft glow was familiar. This was my home after all maybe that’s why the flash backs don’t feel strange at all. I edged my shoulders off of the tub incline to better cover my poking knees hoping somehow the water would make their shaking more at ease. Sometimes I feel like I’m slipping and that there is no one around to see. The water tickled at my nose, and I felt comforted. I’ve been here before, I don’t mean physically but mentally I’ve been here before. Contemplating life and wondering why depression plagues my joy. Questioning if this repeating pattern will ever find a rip in its seams. It all feels heavy to bear. I’ve got to stay healthy but what does that mean because I don’t think there is anything wrong with the way I eat. Constantly stirring about my calories, what to count and what to cut out. It all overwhelms me and frankly somedays I’d rather not eat at all. It makes me feel small. I want to lose weight 50lbs is all. It’s not much to me but in the eyes of others they somehow see a girl who is struggling. It’s not a problem..I won’t let it be. But then depression comes after me. Maybe I’ve eaten too much, why did I do that. I must punish myself later for that. But I stopped the self harm. I told myself I’d never go back and maybe that should be my wake up alarm. As these thoughts flooded my brain. I began to feel insane. The water was over my face and everything began to fall into place. I see now that drowning in this world will never be an acceptable out. I bursted up gasping for air. Breathing in the life I had dared to cease my own air on that very night.
WaveWriter 