Some days I wish I could just walk away from my struggle. Especially days like today. Today I am feeling defeated by the unknown and the uncertain. My fears circle my brain taunting at me as I fall down again and again. My heart aches with every “Thank you for applying..” email received to my inbox.
Overwhelmed is how I am feeling. Not having control of my future reminds me of a place I found myself in around this time last year. I had wanted nothing more than to be able to say that I got into PA school on my own, by my own will. But that was not God’s plan for me.
I struggled with letting go and giving it all to Him. My faith was tested with each rejection letter. My life was beginning to feel as though it had lost its direction. I was praying for God to show me the way, but I was refusing to listen. His answer wasn’t matching up with what I wanted.
While I was turning my heart from God, He continued to pour out his blessings on me. Granting me the opportunity to dance, work, and take on new projects. He planted an amazing man in my life who helped with my emotional healing and showed me how to put my trust back in the Lord. I learned that it’s not my will to be done but His.
A message I have heard time and time before but never truly grasped the meaning of until then. It’s a message I am still finding myself struggling to learn. All of my life I have been telling myself that I must learn to do for myself and not ask for help. Here I am 24 years old and crying out to God on my knees. Nothing that has happened in these past two years of my life were in my plans for my life at this point in time.
Knowing that I can’t plan out my life no matter how hard I try is a very humbling realization. Even though my life hasn’t been going according to my plans my heart quivers at the thought of just what else God has in store for me. He has blessed me through and through, and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.
God revealed to me my partner, my career, my beautiful daughter, and exposed to me the ways of my heart. He chooses to work on me each and everyday so that I may be able to plant seeds in the lives of others around me.
Just a few minutes ago I was sitting at my computer aimlessly searching through job posting after job posting questioning if God was going to ever help me find a job. I started to cry because I felt like a failure not being able to help provide for my family. That’s when my fiance’s words of remembering to trust in God and to turn to his word when I am feeling lost and helpless came back to me. As the tears were streaming down my cheeks, I looked down at my daughter in my arms and opened my Bible. In order to provide for her, I need to be strong in the Lord.
So I titled this post choosing to stay because despite my heart wishing it could run from adversity I am choosing to stay and walk with Christ.