Numb

My head feels like it is going to explode at the thought that my ex-fiancé continues to buy toys and make YouTube videos about them, but doesn’t put any effort into seeing his daughter, providing for her, or making sure she is okay. At this point I am very glad that we are no longer together. Any man that can go through life pretending he never had a child after having been in his child’s life for a year is not a man at all. He is not even a person in my eyes. My heart hurts of course. It’s shattered. I feel at a loss for words but the silence hasn’t helped me. Each day the anger builds and the mere fact that lives another day makes my blood boil.  I have not one good intention for him. I despise his existence. I despise him for what he did to me and our daughter. I hate him for making me believe he was someone he will never and can never be.

Rage has been the only emotion felt by me for the past few months and it has left me feeling depressed and down-trotted. Some days I feel like my life is doomed to this form of suffering forever and other days I wish I would just die. Seems no matter where I look my view has turned a murky gray and the sunshine I once felt in my soul has become a raging ball of flames. I’m not myself. I can admit that. I don’t think I will ever get back to being the person I once was. So sweet and naive I was. That girl is gone and she has been replaced by someone with a looming hidden agenda of pure revenge. I wish it wasn’t this way but some days I feel that the only way my soul will be at peace is if I am the one causing him to choke out his last breath with my bare hands. Because honestly, him being dead is the only viable excuse he has for being absent from his responsibilities as a father. I truly can’t wrap my head around it any other way and frankly at this point in my life I fear no consequence from it. I feel I would be thanked by society for removing a force of pure evil from this world. So yea you could say it’s a pretty dark place I am in right now. I feel crazy some days, like I am literally going nuts. If only you knew the half of it. I never have a break anymore, my emotions feel stranded on two separate islands of thought with no boat to connect the two. I am going in circles trying to find the path I should be taking to move past this horrible wretched experience in my life. I want to move on, I really do but it feels too soon. Most things feel too soon. How do you go from thinking you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone to not knowing who they are anymore. We were two people who were never meant to be but somehow together we made someone who has the absolute most amazing purpose to fulfil in this world. I just wish I could feel happy again instead of just going through the motions of everyday. I wish I didn’t desire evil to be a present constant in his life. I wish he would have just pulled the trigger on himself years ago to save me the pain and abuse. I wish all these things were true but I still want to have my little Oli pops in my life. She deserves a better father and to me he is no longer her father. A father is always there for his daughter no matter what. I am not going to have her suffer because he can’t get his life together. He should have been in jail for what he did to me. I nearly was killed but of course the system never cares are victims of domestic violence, but that is a story for a different day.

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