Still figuring this out

Life.

It’s messy. COMPLICATED. Busy. Unplanned. and Thrilling.

Some days I just want to slow it down and others I want to fast forward though it.

But that’s not how it works is it?

You have to go through the bad to get to the good and eventually after experiencing so much good you start to expect that something bad will eventually happen.

At least that’s what my brain tells me after being happy for “too long”.

The past few months my life has felt like I was perpetually living a series of unfortunate events.

One sad story after the next.

One tear after another.

But then it hit me.

I just wanted to be happy and it seemed like that day was never going to come.

I had turned into a negative Nancy and my skies seemed to always be painted gray.

If you know me you know that that’s not me.

I was lost.

I was no longer feeling myself.

So I decided to choose happiness instead of waiting for something to happen and hoping that I would feel it.

It’s not always easy but I feel more in control of my life. Deciding how I was going to feel didn’t cause my to become less authentic in my emotions and relationships but instead helped show me where this line of negative thinking was coming from.

It was finally time to confront the voices I had been suppressing in myself and do some serious relationship evaluating.

I cut my ties with Facebook..at least the ties of it on my phone. I was checking it way too often and feeling depressed the more I hit like. My life didn’t feel like it was a pretty enough of a picture to be hung on my walls as a post.

My life felt like some 500 piece puzzle that got dug out of storage and had been passed around so pieces were missing and dirty. It felt like no matter how many ways you tried to press the pieces down you know that the proper ones were missing. I was falling deeper into a hole of sadness and my cries seemed to have been falling on death ears.

I felt so alone out here. No friends or family lived near by and the one person who I thought was my friend had just cancelled on watching my daughter at midnight the night before I was supposed to work. The stress was too much for me. I was never supposed to be the single mom.

I had miscalculated my life and somehow ended up with the abusive jerk off who doesn’t give two fucking shits about his beautiful daughter. How could I have made such a life altering mistake.

This is what played in my head on repeat day in and day out after the domestic violence incident. Dan was trying to make me feel isolated and it was working. No financial support from him, no assistance with our daughter’s needs, no ear to lend a listen to my daily struggles. It was me I would come home to and me who would cook and clean. It was me who would get her in the middle of the night and me who would be dropping her off and picking her up from daycare. It was too much.

I tried telling my mom how sad I was feeling but her denial pushed my sadness deeper. Instead of her accepting the way I felt I was instead hit with how I need to stop asking for help and learn how to do it on my own. She didn’t see that I was doing it on my own despite her always saying that to me. She didn’t see that I truly had no one. What was the point of your hurtful words? Was it that you wanted me to feel as hurt as you did when your husband left you?

I put my daughter to sleep that night and thought to myself how many pills will it take to make the pain stop. Would my happiness be at the bottom of the bottle? My heart ached and for a solid 10 minutes my mind was consumed with this being my last night. My daughter will be better off without a mom who isn’t constantly emitting sadness. I lay on the couch sobbing. It wasn’t fair that I had to be the one who got abused, whose entire life got flipped upside down and all my ex does is make fucking YouTube videos.

I won’t deny that the anger still exists within me. I won’t pretend like by choosing happiness that my pictures are somehow prettier now to hang. But I will say that my pictures are happier. I choose to make happy memories and I post those in my heart.

I was considering ending my life and I was pissed when the cops showed up at my house to do a wellness check. I was in the midst of my darkest moment and here they are interrupting my train of thought. Looking back at it now. I am thankful that they did show up. Even though I could 100% tell that they thought this was a waste of time and just wanted to leave. It was a wake up call for me. A call that I need more help than I am willing to admit.

I see a therapist now and it helps. I’m not crazy. I am just a young girl who has been through a lot in a short amount of time. I can’t change what I have been through but what I can change is how I see myself and the things I say to myself. Honestly that has had the biggest positive impact on my mental health.

I choose to be happy because it’s a feeling I want to commit to for the rest of my life.

 

 

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