You can’t turn away.
I bite my lip.
You like that.
I’m your naughty little kitty.
Always causing a stir,
You know I’ll like it.
I’m not as innocent as I seem.
I see you and you see me.
How long must me draw these games out for?
A little bit of cat and mouse?
Time is wasting and I’m bored.
Let’s make it interesting.
Satisfy me before I do
Or all of this will have just been in your wildest dreams.
Make me an offer I can’t turn away from,
Put it all on the table.
I’m more of a visual learner anyways.
Come and get me!
Today I cried, I screamed, and felt incredibly depressed and sad. Today was actually a mix of a good day and an awful day. It started off great. I got some rest and didn’t wake up to a crying baby for once. I had breakfast and got dressed to take my daughter to her appointment. That’s when things started to take a turn for the worse. I arrived at the clinic for her appointment and they said it was scheduled for October 25th. I got pissed and was like are you kidding me I scheduled it for today to match my other appointment. Than the lady was telling me of the other openings she could be seen at. So I scheduled her for later. I thought that was crazy and I wonder just how dumb people can be that they can’t even get one thing like setting an appointment correctly right. I drove over to Aldi’s only to get there and realize I had no quarters to get a cart and I saw in my purse that I was going to use my WIC today as I had stuffed the card in there last night. I took a moment to think and thought ugh why can’t anything just go right today. So I pulled out my planner as that’s where I turn my life isn’t making sense and there it was. Today was October the 18th! I was scared! That meant that I was supposed to be at work today and Olivianna was supposed to be at daycare. That meant that the day I had put in to be off on was next week and that her allergy appointment was not today. That meant I was going to have to pay for Oli’s daycare for a day she wasn’t even there on. I was having a full blown panick attack and could barely work my phone anymore to call my job. I called my teamlead Elisha. She seems to be the one I turn to for life advice in these situations. I carefully asked her if I was supposed to be at work today or if I was off. Turns out my planner was right. Of course it was! That’s why I keep it with me. This has never happened to me before. My head was spinning and I called my boss and rambled on about how I messed up and was now trying to move her appointments to today. I felt relief when the allergy clinic said they could take her and when the daycare said they would just move around the vacation day I had scheduled for Oli. I was feeling semi-okay. I was coming down from my panic attack. I called her clinic back and moved up the physical she was supposed to be having done for her surgery that is coming up. But something told me that was almost too easy. That for an allergy clinic I had to book months in advance for Oli to be seen that moving the appointment to today shouldn’t have been that smooth sailing. I was right! I called the allergy clinic back to confirm the doctor Oli would be seeing at 2pm and that’s when the lady said I didn’t have an appointment for today. I calmly explained that I had just spoken with someone else a few minutes and the said I could come in today. That’s when she said that girl was new and mis-informed me because Oli will be a new patient. I basically ended up trying to beg to see if the doctor could take her today at 2pm anyways despite it falling outside of their guidelines for new patients. I pled my case of my mix up and crossed my fingers while praying to God there could be some sort of special exception for me today. Turns out there wasn’t. Ugh I felt doomed to a day of misery. My heart longed to be sitting in my comfy desk chair and not living this nightmare of a mix up. I felt so dumb. I felt stupid. This wasn’t me. I always have it together. I am the one who gets things right. I am the one who figures out how to solve the problems. Not today though. That was most definitely not the case. I was sitting in my car outside of the health clinic where Oli was supposed to be getting her physical done in about 1min wondering if I should cry and scream really quickly, call my manager back and explain once again there was another mixup, call the daycare back and unbeg for the vacation day to be moved today, or maybe keep the vacation day at the daycare and call the babysitter to come watch her and I could work half a day and just use half a personal day, but the appointment falls in the middle of the day for next week and how would I even get there and work and than haul her back across town to what work for 2 hours. Ugh my head was spinning. Running through every possibility possible. None of them would work because I would have to call the allergy clinic back first to see if I can get back the appointment for next Wednesday I had already moved to December now, than call the daycare back to see if Oli could come for half a day since she had missed so much now (this would have involved more begging since their policy states no drop offs past 11am), and then call my manager back and explain that despite everything I said earlier there has been a change of plans and I still need next Wednesday off. Ugh a totally nightmare! So I did not of those things. Instead I went inside for my daughter’s appointment and hung my head low. Here I was again for an appointment I had yelled at you for not being right but it was right and now I need the next avail opening to someone swing something positive out of today. I tried telling myself that today will be what I make of it, but so far all I had made was just a huge mess. After her appointment I went grocery shopping. I felt like an emotionless zombie walking through the aisles. People would come up and say how cute Oli was and I would just laugh uneasily and walk away. I hate having attention drawn to me in public and with the way I was feeling I felt like I was walking around with a sign on me announcing how dumb I was today. Then of course no shopping trip that falls over lunch and nap time is complete without a melt down at the checkout. Scooping your child off of the floor is never a pleasant experience and I literally don’t even make eye contact with anyone ever when she acts up anymore. It’s just annoying seeing everyones faces and me imagining what they must be thinking. Then of course my mind just wonders back to how much I hate Dan for making me go through all of this alone. But nonetheless I scooped her up and asked her if she would like to help me push the cart and suddenly my loving sweet baby girl appeared. I left feeling proud of myself. I reminded myself that I am in control of my day and that I can’t live my life around her nap/lunch schedule. We drove home and my mom finally returned my call from earlier. That’s when the tears started pouring. My mom said she’s had times like that too and that it’s okay and to just make the best of it. I wiped my tears and was glad Oli was occupied by her toys in the living room because I don’t like her seeing me when I get upset like that. I gave her some lunch and put her down for a nap. I was afraid the nap was going to be a battle since it was in the middle of her normal nap time but it worked out fine. She didn’t fall asleep right away but she was quiet so I got to have some me time. I told myself that a day like today was bound to happen. Oli hasn’t been sleeping through the night for the past month and a half which means I have not been getting any sleep, my car needs a bunch more of repairs aside from the nearly $800 I just spent on it, my apartment is raising the rent by $30 a month, I still don’t have any child support/nor can I get in touch with my case worker and all of Oli’s appointments are consuming my every thought. I thought maybe I should check myself into the hospital for the day so I can take a break. I was worried that the post concussion syndrome was now causing me to have memory issues, but I think I was just being over dramatic. So tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will get it right this time. All in all today was eye opening and taught me to not be so quick to speak. If I had just listened to what the lady was saying about her appointment I still could have gone into work and dropped Oli off and made up the time difference over the week. But, I was loud and stubborn. I felt like today God was holding a mirror up to my face saying look at who you are. Lesson acknowledged, I can’t say learned because I know it will take time to change but I’m getting there.
Dirty is your touch on my skin. Feel me. Breath me in. I’m waiting. Press into me with your lips. I feel everything you need me to. My eyes locked on you. My skin is pulsing and my heart is racing. Strip down for me and turn around. You like that and I like you. My wishes are your desires. You give me a thirst I can’t quench but with every thrust my heart wins. My body aches for your touch again. Raw is this feeling as nothing comes between us.
“I can’t breathe!” That’s what I told my fiancé when he had his arm wrapped around my throat crushing my airway. I am still haunted by the memories and physically reminded of the pain I endured as my head is still very bruised from him punching me in the back of the head. He gave me a concussion but no one in his family sees any problem with that. His mother was more concerned about the 4lb bag of shrimp that she had bought for our daughter’s party that was called off because of Dan’s physical aggression. No matter how much I want to forget about the situation. I am forced to remember it everyday because I suffer from daily headaches, mental and physical fatigue, my right shoulder is injured and I frequently get dizzy. I have never sustained any injuries this bad before in my entire life and I never thought that they would be because of my fiancé. My heart is broken and I’m walking around in the dark trying to piece my life back together. Not only is my fiancé gone but so is the father of my daughter and my best friend. I feel so lost and the one person I want to run to for comfort is the one who did this to me. My heart breaks just thinking about how my precious daughter no longer has a father. I always thought that no matter Daniel’s and I’s relationship that he would always put Olivianna first but I was wrong. He endangered her life and nearly took mine. I may never be the same cognitively and I definitely will always have trust issues with men.
Dan and I even got the same new job. I thought it would be great but it has been nothing but a living nightmare. I wish my tears could type this story for me because my heart aches just recounting the details. I feel so disgusted. The one person who also swore to protect me is the one person who has hurt me the worst out of everyone I have ever known.
I was so foolish. I should have called the police on him but I was scared. Scared of what it would mean for me and him. Scared of what would happen with our daughter. I was in disbelief that what had happened actually happened. I just wanted to get away and make everything disappear. I was now a single mother. Life was never going to be easy ever again. Our beautiful wedding was never going to happen. Us buying a house together to raise our family was never going to come true. We will never grow old together. We will never take our big family trip to Disney anymore. His family will never be my family. Olivianna and I will only have each other. I may never have anymore children. I never want to feel responsible for putting an innocent child through this again. In a blink of an eye I was alone and we were no more.
As my world was crashing down all around me I just felt numb. Living in an alternate reality is what my life now felt like. I thought maybe I should just leave and start a new life.
I cry at all the oddest of places and the still moments of my life are when every negative thought comes flooding back to me. Am I really having to go to court with my fiancé. Did he really just tell me that he didn’t care if his daughter ended up homeless? Is he really refusing to pay the rent because he said he doesn’t live there anymore. I said because of your actions I have missed two days worth of pay from my old job, two days of school, part of my day at my new job, and our daughter is now going to daycare fulltime. Additionally, I have to pay extra for someone to watch her at night and you are worried about $966. Our words were few when we did speak. No I’m sorry. No how is she. No remorse. He walked past me like he never knew me. It’s been 8 months since he’s seen our daughter and he acts like she was never born. A piece of my shattered story crumbles even more as the months pass on the days grow harder. I never picked this life and too often I wish I could quit.
If I forget you then do you forget me?
If I feel pain do you hurt too?
If I live today and die tomorrow will you see tomorrow or will you die with me and just forget it all the same?
If I say your name do you speak mine?
If I move on do you hold on?
Are you waiting for me?
Should I wait for you?
Are we lost?
If we’re together will we be found?
Are you sorry for what you did?
I’m not sorry for what I said.
If I go right will you go left?
Am I going insane?
Your name still runs across my brain.
Lost in this mental space
Confused as my mind takes pace
Your name on my lips
That’s a shame
It’s a precious instrument
Delivered from the heavens above
A gift with no return
Yet an absence for which your heart will yearn
Words I no longer want to feel
I just want to heal
Your name on my lips
That’s a shame
Confused in this mental space
Lost as my mind takes pace
Being a woman is no joke in this society.
Sit nicely, wave, and smile politely.
I have thoughts, fears, intentions, and demands.
I have a voice that commands and eyes that pierce.
My weapon is my freedom
It’s something no one can cage.
It can be ignited with rage.
Dangerous if untamed.
Unleashed they think we are.
Always in need of domestication.
One life. One soul.
Long flowing curls
She sits. She thinks.
Her soul it grows.