And in that moment it was beautiful. The lights, well they were just right. The music played softly in the background and it was just, perfect. The room It held your glow like a lasting breath drawn in to the point of complete exhaustion just to preserve time. My heart leaped in circles but my eyes were the only ones you could see. “Hold me. See me. Be with me.” You drew near and my lips quivered in anticipation. A pause lingered and our eyes became the entanglement of dancing visions of us together. “Love. Lust. Fear.” My hand fit perfectly inside yours as we escaped the room as one. We saw no one, we heard no one, but we felt everything. Every sensation flowed over us like giant waves crashing onto the shore. THIS.IS.LOVE. Or was it? We woke with our memories in a blur. Like pieces lost to a puzzle some things we can never put back together. “Here. Where. There.” Our lives drifted apart but our hearts never forgot. The sand, your hands, those lips. They weaved together our story that was once a beautiful bliss, but we never thought it would come to this. “Tears. Check ups. A birthing room.” It was all happening too soon. Sixteen. That’s how old we were, when we held the world and could never be too bold. I look in your eyes and in my heart I felt despise, but you continued to stay by my side. “Arguments. Bills. Late Night shifts” I never would have expected you to put up with all of this. We exchanged our vows knowing now that the life we had lived was only a mere part of His. We gave up our souls to the one who lived above and from that moment on is when we knew love.
The breeze against my skin reminded me that I was finally free. Among the trees I felt safe with my feet knitted between the crushed leaves on the cool soil. Run. Breathe. Escape. The wind passed through my curls leaving whispers for me to hear. They said it was time to take flight but only during the night. With one swoop my arms braced onto the base of a large tree. With all my momentum, it captured me. The rough bark against my skin told me that this was not my sin. As the branches swayed above I remembered Charlie with the golden dove. He told me our bodies were only temporary in this world and that someday our Father would come for us. He said not to cry when we look to the sky for the bodies that hang are only there to sing the songs we all sang. “Freedom is coming and rejoicing is near. That is why you must run my dear.” I ran through the night on feet blistered and sore. I ran through the night till I could soar. Brave was my heart but young were my years. I had to escape for my mother feared. “You are too head strong and outspoken for our kind. Someday the Master will begin to mind. I have dreams for you my darling sweat pea.” But what are dreams when they are covered in soot, locked up, and choked out until they puke? What are dreams if your only colors are black? Faded, left out, and unwanted at that. A tear I won’t shed on this journey of mine. I push off of the tree as I begin to see mine. With every pound of my heart, I begin to see art. The colors of the world that have been spread so far apart. Run. Jump. Leap. Over every hurdle I must keep, my body in motion to avoid drowning in this sea of commotion. Someday I will be free and on that day I will be me.
This house that was a home, will now lay to rest these once fragile bones of those who can no longer attest.
For the air became tight, as he sealed me up that night.
Listen to the laughter that once filled these halls, and take note as it speaks of the many great falls. In your eyes was the blood of the bodies you’ve buried. Laid to rest in the floor boards that belonged to little sweet Mary.
I still hear their screams in the middle of the night as I cried out the window suffocated in fright.
This house is a home in which I am captive.
Sailing alone in this world without a captain.
I miss you. My memories torture me with a past that came to an end too suddenly. I wish you were still here with me by my side. I think of you more now than I did before. I try denying my feelings but that hasn’t helped at all. I know every reason why we should never be together and for some reason none of that matters. The more I keep myself from you the more I want you near me. We shared so many laughs and sometimes I feel as though I would give you the world just to see you again. I see your face in the tears that pass over my eyes. I’m reminded how our story ended and regret that it was ever written. I tasted love or so I thought.
True love never fades. I remember telling you that after an argument. We fought a lot, but that’s how we showed our love. We wanted to be the only people who existed in each other lives so we fought hard to make it so. You pushed and I gave. It was just me and you against the world. I couldn’t bare to face my friend’s judgments or hear what my mother had to say. The closer we got the more I forgot. As long as we were writing our happy ending I was okay with the changes in the tide, but eventually you grew weary. You needed something more to control. You had my friends and family but that wasn’t enough. I needed to suffer to show you my love. I grew from the pain you watered over me. Long fights, hot tears, and suffocation. Love was misery, and I was afraid we were reaching our end. You left for Texas and things got hazy.
Everything you said I couldn’t do became okay for you. I didn’t want to fight so I let it go each night. The clubbing, the bars, it was so much to take in and you were so far. I didn’t care. I tried not to care. I thought maybe we were just reaching a new stage of us. We were finally realizing the boundaries we gave each other were too short. We had trust or so I thought. I never knew how easy it was for you for mine to become lost. I was the liar, the cheater, the one who you couldn’t love anymore. Those were the secrets you held in your heart toward me.
You took my love and threw it so far that sometimes I wonder how we made it this far. I never meant to hurt you. I only ever loved you. You made it hard to sleep, knowing that your heart would never be mine to keep. But you were right.. I did lie and cheat but never to you. You were wrong about who. I lied to myself thinking that this was meant to last, and I cheated myself on what I deserved.
I just wanted to be loved. I wanted you to hold me and never let me go but it took me this long to even begin to know, that the love I thought we had was never really sown. See in my heart I loved you, I gave up everything just for you. My religion, my friends, my family, and my schooling. I didn’t care as long as there was me and you. But in your heart the meaning of love had long been turned to dust.
It wasn’t your fault I would say. Your parents were cruel and treated your harshly anyway. It was my duty to show you love but I was blind cause that could never be taught. At least not by me. I had my own holes in my heart to fill.
Feeling abandoned with no father who called, the words I love you from him meant nothing to me at all. I spent most days wishing he would appear. I dreamed of the day he would even meet me and all. But when that day came it rained the hardest, and the cloud I was on suddenly came crashing down. Our stories are different but the meanings are the same. We both couldn’t love each other because we hadn’t properly known how to give it. Sure I was loved and of course you were too but when it came to men I wasn’t sure how to love myself first.
We needed time apart. Time for ourselves to heal from the pain we caused each other and to become unblinded by the fairytale we had wrapped our lives in, but I wanted it to be real. I was so busy picking up all of the pieces of us we had torn down over the years that I was missing who you were becoming. I was so focused on the past and getting back to what we had. I just wanted you. I wanted us.
After our conversation that day I cried so hard I had trouble breathing, but you couldn’t hear my pleas. You were too far away to care. I sat there shaking hoping the next knock on my door would be you trying to make everything better. I needed you. Why couldn’t you see that?
But you were never coming to my rescue. Our story had finally ended. Sure we had our casual bump ins and awkward acknowledgements, but the silence between us cut into me like never before. As the days past on the wound began to heal. So I really can’t piece together how I ended up sobbing so much while typing this up. It makes me wonder if what we had was really love.
Maybe love hurts sometimes and maybe it’s just different for everyone. No matter the case our ending will always be the same. No matter how many times I go back through my mind hoping there is someway somehow there can be an us. We always end apart. I just wish my heart could acknowledge that but the way we loved will forever be lost.
So today is my birthday! Happy Birthday to me? It just feels as though I’m only 16 years old so the fact that I am actually 23 today feels weird to say. I’m not one to make a big deal out of my birthday and quite honestly I rarely ever tell my friends that it’s my birthday. I just enjoy the simple things throughout the day and take the moments to reflect as they come.
So I thought I would reflect on my past 22 years and share a bit of my journey to help ring in this new year of life I have been blessed to see.
The top 5 life changing moments of being 22: (in order oddly enough)
1. I bought my first car
2. My boyfriend (of almost 3 years) and I broke up
3. I recommitted my life to Christ
4. I was in my first car accident
5. I graduated from Iowa State University
Moments in life where I thought my dreams would never come true:
1. Every time my ex-boyfriend and I broke up
2. Not having become the dancer I always dreamed of being
3. Never having learned how to play an instrument (other than the recorder in 4th grade)
4. Not having found “The One ” yet
5. That time I tried a dating website
Okay so looking at this list is pretty pathetic! But yes at the time I really did feel as though I was hitting a low in my life that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to bounce back from. But honestly each set back has been the most amazing adventure yet.
Because my ex and I broke up I finally started living my life for myself. I was happy again..like genuinely happy. I loved life and wanted to experience all it had to offer. I recommitted my life to Christ again and promised myself that I would never search for my happiness in others.
Because I had always dreamed of pursuing dance more I started dancing with my old dance company again. I auditioned for the Nutcracker and got in! I was offered a stretch position to come in and teach and my instructors want to help me get on pointe!
Because I had never learned how to play an instrument my mom bought me a keyboard, and I started taking lessons. Now I am playing the Fur Elise and loving every minute of practicing!
Because I haven’t found “The One” yet I focused on creating myself instead. This kinda plays into the break up with my ex, but I realized that I don’t need to “find” anyone. I just want to live my life and enjoy the ride while I’m young.
Because I tried a dating website I realized that life isn’t meant to be controlled. Life happens as I like to say and it can have some crazy, messy, uncontrollable moments, but those happen to be the times where I have learned the best life lessons. I don’t want to control my life because that takes away the surprises and adventure. Life is going to happen whether or not I spend all day worrying about it. I’m still going after my dreams and ambitions, but I learned to be patient.
While the past 22 years of my life have been amazing and wonderful, I feel as though these past 4 years are when I have truly started living. I never learned so many things about myself and others before I started college and I guess that’s why I say I only feel 16.
At 16 you’re old enough to really start doing things on your own. Making important decisions about your future and putting into action the steps towards the career you want to have. Parents also ease up on you because they want to see if all their training is paying off. For me, it was a little rough at first. I was always turning to my mom for advice about everything and anything, but one day it hit me that I have to decide things on my own. It was that day that I would say I felt like I started living for myself (and Christ of course but you get what I mean here). Well now I’m 23 and maybe instead of 16 i’m more 18. I feel sound. By that I mean I really think my decisions through now. My impulsivity has slowed down, and I can see things more clearly now. I know what I want in life and how to get it, and honestly, having those things figured out this early in life just makes the ride all the more enjoyable.
Well here’s to another great memorable year of life! 🙂
Cheers to you all!
Sometimes the most beautiful parts of ourselves are the ones we try so desperately to change.
Is it that feeling I get when I’m kissing your lips
Or is it something that can be ordered and shipped?
Does it keep tallies and lists
of who’s right and who’s wrong over our past quips?
Can it help me forget
the shame that I felt that night I was stripped?
Do we take it for granted
with slammed doors and hot words that burn as they’re planted?
Will it be kind to us
And hold onto the vows we set down in trust?
Leaves so many questions and worries on my mind,
But I don’t really care as long as your heart is mine.