Agony

I feel like I’ve used this title before lol

I found out or rather confirmed that next year my birthday falls on a major holiday, Thanksgiving. It’s exciting cause it only happens once every 7 years. However, this year as my birthday approached I was made to feel as though I didn’t matter by my husband. He became upset about the thought of my wanting to celebrate my birthday that he basically cursed me out and told me to spend it along with Christmas separate from him. It was very painful to experience that and makes me feel anxious about my birthday now landing on a holiday. So, I decided to bring it up hoping he would actually say something to show that my birthday was important to him and not some sort of inconvenience. Well, I was wrong. He became heated and threatened to cancel Christmas. Meanwhile, I’m told that I can’t put a Christmas tree in our (my) daughter’s room. The nerve of him. I was anxious to even bring it up but I didn’t want to wait and be met with hurt feeling around the holidays next year but yet here we are. I don’t understand why he gets so aggressive about the holidays but ever since I met him I have never felt like what I want to do fits into how he feels things need to be or have to be. And that’s been a message I get from his family too. Like i ruin things. I should scoot over cause what I want isn’t as important as what other people want. It’s honestly bullshit. I just want to feel loved and cherished and told that yes, you can do whatever you want on your birthday…at least give me the chance to say that I happen to actually love Thanksgiving and maybe I do still want to celebrate it on my birthday but rather I’m told that I have to wait and see what other people are doing on Thanksgiving first. It’s so messed up..so yeah now we are “fighting”..I was told to stop talking to him and receievd a lovely “Fuck You!” which is obviously exactly how I was hoping to end my night.

Also, told I need to meet with a new therapist to get help as to why I even care so much about what day my birthday lands on. 🙃

So that’s a lovely cherry on top. You would think having the background I do that I would have ended up with the greatest husband ever but somehow at times I feel like I am trapped in a torterous nightmare of constant criticism and belittleling.

Unseen

Do you ever feel invisble?

I do.

At least today I do.

Like I could slip away and no one would notice.

I think about how warm and fuzzy but also cold my body would be as I slowly bleed out.

What thoughts would cross my mind?

Would I be at peace?

Or if I swallowed a handfulof pills. Would I go gently like a sway to sleep?

I thought this was gonna be my year but all I can think about is escaping this life.

Maybe breaking my neck or hanging myself. I just want it to stop.

I thought I was done sitting in these feelings.

I tried so hard.

So hard to be happy and to make it work.

But I’m tired of failing.

Tired of trying.

I just want to rest.

I just want to be seen and heard.

No one listens to me.

I’m invisible.

Even when I am seen it’s just for a moment and even when I am heard people pick and choose what they hear.

The silence is torture.

The pain is unavoidable.

Everything feels so heavy.

My world is coming to an end.

I just want to be seen.

I just want to be loved.

I just want to be heard.

People come and go but they always seem to know how to hurt you when they do.

People toss you aside like you’ve meant nothing to you. People like former friends, lovers, parents.

If life has taught me anything it’s too expect disappointment.

Expect hurt.

Expect to be unseen.

Stranger

I can’t say I know you anymore.

The silence.

No goodbye this morning.

The apathy towards me.

What sin have I executed upon you to deserve such cruelty?

Because I pointed out that you didn’t hug “our” daughter yesterday..that when she attempted to hug you, you pushed her away?

Because I revealed something to you that you’d rather not acknowledge.

Your words seaped from your mouth like the poison it drenches over my being.

This sickness is nothing I wish to be apart of.

A part from you I find joy and happiness.

A part from you I am recognizing myself again.

The woman who deserves to be loved and cherished.

From the depths of your soul, you spew a hate that laps at me uncontrollable.

I dare not fathom what could become of such an unleashed animal.

Ruled by the devil himself with your glaring looks, not even a word is uttered in my direction.

If it’s a performance you are seeking, I will present you with an oscar worthy one.

I’m so glad to have celebrated one year of marriage to see it all blow up like this.

If there was ever a clearer tale of who you truly are.

Seeing you now is like seeing a stranger.

Unforgettable

Tonight you blew up.

You tossed your words without care.

You put me down.

You belittled me.

I feel numb.

Part of me wants to cry, to blow up, to hit, and show you how wrong you are for how I feel.

But this path isn’t new.

Sadly it’s familiar.

It’s the same attempts to hurt me being used once again.

The pain stings but not as much as before.

The anger rises but not as much as before.

You should feel ashamed of yourself and the words you cut me with.

What could have been a conversation turned into a bashing of your lips.

You hurled insults because I was concered of our daughter’s well being.

How sad for her to want your love and affection and to not receive it.

What message does she receive instead?

Pushed over. Rejected. Not good enough.

It’s so hard to hear her beat herself up as it is.

Dad’s should love their daughters with open arms and lots of snuggles.

She’s just a young girl.

My heart breaks more for her than myself.

And of course, you’ve once again said that I should divorce you and leave you.

We just celebrated or rather acknowledged our 1 year anniversary a couple weeks ago and here you are encouraging me to leave you.

Sometimes I wonder why I stay. You are the voice always prompting me and pushing me towards someone else.

You stir up these negative thoughts and hope a half caring apology will somehow make me forget.

As though there is no one else in the world for me to fall damgerously in love with.

You’re always gone these days. We barely have time to talk and when we do talk I’m the one mostly speaking.

We cuddle more now than before but every night you sleep with your back to me.

It’s cold on the other side.

No chance for intimacy in this relationship.

I’m lucky if we have sex 3 times a month and even luckier if you’re able to keep it in.

What you don’t realize is that when you cut me down, my brain unveils all the ways you hurt me.

As thought sex with you is some gift from the heavens that I should appreciate it even when your dick is too limp to go in.

The frustration and anguish I feel and then knowing weeks will go by before you attempt anything again.

But that’s life right? Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

It’s not the end of the world, but when you tell me to never speak to you again I think of all the other men who would give me their attention and when you tell me to divorce you I think of all the ways I could be fucked.

I don’t mean to think those things but you open a can of worms that takes longer to seal off each time.

You have a way of bringing out the most hurt in me. The anger, the lust, the desire, and most deadly, the revenge.

I don’t mean to be that girl, but what you say is unforgettable.

A sad feeling

A sad feeling

Back again

Why is it so hard to communicate?

Why is it so hard to express that I need more from you at times?

Why does my heart feel heavy?

Maybe I should stop doing all that I do.

But would it get done?

I’m not perfect.

I have my moments of insecurities.

It shouldn’t come back to this.

This feeling of sadness, emptiness, abandonment.

I wanted you close but I somehow pushed you away.

I just needed you. I don’t know why but I did.

I’m sorry I’m so messed up for needing you.

I love you.

You don’t know what it’s like to be me.

To have your brain never turn off.

I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.

How can I make it better?

I can’t!

I won’t!

It won’t be better because of me.

What’s the price for this feeling?

Loneliness I suppose

Nasty Gal

I can be a lot to handle at times.

I can be sarcastic, rude, mean, and hateful.

I can transform into your biggest nightmare if you push the right buttons.

Last night, I made a mistake.

I dumped water on my boyfriend after he yelled at me for asking him how he was doing.

I told him I hate him.

I don’t think I can say I love him anymore because my heart is growing callous.

I’m holding onto all of his wrongs and I don’t know how to let any of them go.

I hurting and angry.

I’m in love and over the moon.

I can transform into someone I don’t recognize but someone who feels so familiar.

Who am I?

How did I get this way?

Who hurt me so badly that I act out?

I’m in a dance playing both the villian and the victim.

Help me!

Care for me.

Love me.

Be with me.

Use me.

Take advantage of me.

Hold me.

Speak to me sweetly

Mistreat me.

Hate me.

There’s nothing you can do to me that I can’t do worse.

What can I say, I’m a nasty gal just running the course.

Shameful Secrets

Is there shame in your secrets? I know there is in mine. Shame over the want to be desired.

Fantasys can help or hinder. In my case I feel caught in the middle. I fantasize about the forbidden sexual encounters that I am never meant to have. I fantasy about being forced into being pleasured and solely having the focus on me. These thoughts make for desires that are left unfulfilled in my current relationship. As I grow more in my relationship, I find my desires being met in many non-sexual ways. I feel cared for and loved similar to that of a close friend, but my needs for sexual intimacy are left unquenched. It’s hard to be a woman and have this conversation. When I became a woman I had this impression that men want sex ALL the time. My previous relationships attested to that. Now, I am with someone who doesn’t want sex all the time nor even regularly. We have sex a handful of times a month. Probably 5 times a month at most. Out of those 5 times, 3 of them I am either unsatisfied or left to satisfy my own desires. I have grown to have a love/hate relationship with my own physical touch. I feel as though I touch myself out of anger and frustration. I’m disheartened once again I’m left to fend for myself. I feel immense shame and guilt afterwards. If sex is to be a gift from God why is only one person receiving it in this relationship. Why can’t I enjoy the gift of a fully satisfying sexual response? I attempt to bring this to the attention of my partner but the words fall onto death ears. I feel silenced in my own pain. In my own story that I created. I feel as though I am to blame. I was too eager to embrace what felt like generous love and positivity. I was mistaken for now I feel trapped in a relationship that encompasses deep self pity and loneliness felt in the presence of him. Priorities are his phone, job, mom, and friends. I wonder where I fall in the mess of it all.

No words

Maybe we aren’t compatible. We are operating on different wave lengths. You like things your way and I like things my way. We seem to struggle to meet in the middle. And when it comes to our sex life. It’s a disaster. Physical intimacy isn’t the best between us. Our drives are opposite. Sometimes you do a lot of foreplay but don’t want to have sex, and other times when you do want to have sex there is absolutely no foreplay. You don’t like cuddling in bed but would rather me lay on top of you on the couch. You complain about your mom hearing us but insist that she continue to live with us. You don’t want me to touch you below the waist without you wanting to have sex. You don’t even give me the opportunity to touch on you because you say, “I know what you’re trying to do”. As though my desire for sex is unfounded. I don’t even get a chance to be intimate with you unless it leads to sex but yet I have to be open to being felt up without any resolution to my pent up sexual frustration. There are times we have sex and you cum and I don’t and you say you’ll get me that night or tomorrow. Days will pass by and still nothing. I’m no supposed to desire a release to my sexual frustration. You always have the best excuses. You’re too tired. It’s not a good time. You’re too hot or don’t want me on you. You’re mom might hear. It’s too warm inside. We just had sex a few days ago. You’re stressed. You’re depressed. You have a lot on your mind. I’m not feeling well. The list goes on. You have more reasons to not have sex than to have sex. And when we do have sex it’s short. You barely let me touch on you before you’re pushing my head down. I’m always on top and you usually come first and then stop completely. If I didn’t come by that point it’s on me to finish it off. You’re touch is gone at this point. You either have to leave the room, use the bathroom, don’t want me on you, or request that I not lay so close to you. I feel like I’m so dirty girl being used for sex. My physical needs don’t matter. If you do focus on them you ensure that you stop before I get off. You tease me and then complain that I want sex. It’s so confusing and heart breaking. I find myself asking if we can have sex hours ahead of time just to avoid being rejeceted when I try. You literally push me off of you and get upset when I try to hold onto you. You’ve told me that you don’t like it when I try to touch you on your legs or chest. You are only willing to be touch on your terms and you ensure I don’t touch you when you don’t want it by holding my hands in place or forcefully pushing them away. You say that you’ve never had any trauma that would cause this reaction and that it’s other reasons but I can’t help but feel in the wrong. I have to ask for a hug and kiss every night and you complain that you just gave me a kiss. My wants are met with complaints and rejection. I try to be okay with not having my needs met but I grow frustrated and hurt. I try communicating my desires, wants, and needs to you but they are met with anger and loud tones. How much longer should I continue like this? I can’t help but wonder if we should keep together. I never would have imaged that my needs for love and intimacy would ignite such strong feelings of rejection, anger, and frustration in you. I’m only 27 and I feel like my best days if sexual intimacy are behind. You shame me for wanting to be sexual or having desires. I can’t help but wonder what years of this could do to a person. We haven’t even been together a year and I question if I could endure being married like this. I don’t wanna feel unwanted or only needed for sex. I want to be held and cuddled. I have hard days too and receiving a hug would be great for my mental state, but I hate having to ask or worse being hugged and told alright or that was long enough or that’s enough. It’s so frustrating and it hurts my feelings. I don’t want to be intimate and then rejected. Having your arm around me isn’t the same as being held. There’s a difference. And we always argue right before I have something going on the next day. I hate it. I feel so sad and depressed. You shut me out. You have no words for me. I hate myself for needing to ask for intimacy. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to show me love in the ways I desire it.

A Relative Space

There’s a relative space that feels open in my heart. When I’m there I find broken pieces. Everything is scattered, and I can’t make sense of what I am seeing. I see a broken frame holding a family portrait with faded faces. I see recordings of memories stuck on replay. I see tissues scattered about the floor and a girl with a hallow face. Everything here feels cold and empty. I’m never sure how long the visit will last but I’m always glad when it ends. The world around me suddenly disappears and I feel so very lost and alone. I want to call out for help, but my thoughts are drowning in the things my eyes can’t leave. I’m scared but curious. I dig around through the shattered pictures and missing pieces wondering if someday I will be able to find the other parts. My arms grow heavy from the things I carry in search of their mates. I lose track of time as I am entranced by the pain and sorrow I feel. The time weighs heavy as these things I thought I had moved past keep returning. The road ahead looks so narrow I lose sight of my journey. I am stuck. Frozen among the forgotten. Happiness seems but of an after thought to a world of misery and chaos. I fear if I stop now I may lose my way forever in this deep dark space. A place where no sound has an echo and no ears to reach my cries. Tears fill my eyes and even the visions of the past become a blur when all that can be felt is emotion. It weighs so much. My breath becomes shallower with each passing exhale, and my body is numb. Consumed by what’s around me, I close my eyes. As I lay there, I can feel fear lapping at my feet. Just like how the tide comes rushing in I feel engulfed in the emptiness. I wonder how can something be so empty but feel so heavy? So, as the waters consume the land so do the feelings of this pace consume me. I am no longer here but instead lost within me. The longer I stay the darker it gets and the more forgotten I become.