Agony

I feel like I’ve used this title before lol

I found out or rather confirmed that next year my birthday falls on a major holiday, Thanksgiving. It’s exciting cause it only happens once every 7 years. However, this year as my birthday approached I was made to feel as though I didn’t matter by my husband. He became upset about the thought of my wanting to celebrate my birthday that he basically cursed me out and told me to spend it along with Christmas separate from him. It was very painful to experience that and makes me feel anxious about my birthday now landing on a holiday. So, I decided to bring it up hoping he would actually say something to show that my birthday was important to him and not some sort of inconvenience. Well, I was wrong. He became heated and threatened to cancel Christmas. Meanwhile, I’m told that I can’t put a Christmas tree in our (my) daughter’s room. The nerve of him. I was anxious to even bring it up but I didn’t want to wait and be met with hurt feeling around the holidays next year but yet here we are. I don’t understand why he gets so aggressive about the holidays but ever since I met him I have never felt like what I want to do fits into how he feels things need to be or have to be. And that’s been a message I get from his family too. Like i ruin things. I should scoot over cause what I want isn’t as important as what other people want. It’s honestly bullshit. I just want to feel loved and cherished and told that yes, you can do whatever you want on your birthday…at least give me the chance to say that I happen to actually love Thanksgiving and maybe I do still want to celebrate it on my birthday but rather I’m told that I have to wait and see what other people are doing on Thanksgiving first. It’s so messed up..so yeah now we are “fighting”..I was told to stop talking to him and receievd a lovely “Fuck You!” which is obviously exactly how I was hoping to end my night.

Also, told I need to meet with a new therapist to get help as to why I even care so much about what day my birthday lands on. 🙃

So that’s a lovely cherry on top. You would think having the background I do that I would have ended up with the greatest husband ever but somehow at times I feel like I am trapped in a torterous nightmare of constant criticism and belittleling.

Unseen

Do you ever feel invisble?

I do.

At least today I do.

Like I could slip away and no one would notice.

I think about how warm and fuzzy but also cold my body would be as I slowly bleed out.

What thoughts would cross my mind?

Would I be at peace?

Or if I swallowed a handfulof pills. Would I go gently like a sway to sleep?

I thought this was gonna be my year but all I can think about is escaping this life.

Maybe breaking my neck or hanging myself. I just want it to stop.

I thought I was done sitting in these feelings.

I tried so hard.

So hard to be happy and to make it work.

But I’m tired of failing.

Tired of trying.

I just want to rest.

I just want to be seen and heard.

No one listens to me.

I’m invisible.

Even when I am seen it’s just for a moment and even when I am heard people pick and choose what they hear.

The silence is torture.

The pain is unavoidable.

Everything feels so heavy.

My world is coming to an end.

I just want to be seen.

I just want to be loved.

I just want to be heard.

People come and go but they always seem to know how to hurt you when they do.

People toss you aside like you’ve meant nothing to you. People like former friends, lovers, parents.

If life has taught me anything it’s too expect disappointment.

Expect hurt.

Expect to be unseen.

Stranger

I can’t say I know you anymore.

The silence.

No goodbye this morning.

The apathy towards me.

What sin have I executed upon you to deserve such cruelty?

Because I pointed out that you didn’t hug “our” daughter yesterday..that when she attempted to hug you, you pushed her away?

Because I revealed something to you that you’d rather not acknowledge.

Your words seaped from your mouth like the poison it drenches over my being.

This sickness is nothing I wish to be apart of.

A part from you I find joy and happiness.

A part from you I am recognizing myself again.

The woman who deserves to be loved and cherished.

From the depths of your soul, you spew a hate that laps at me uncontrollable.

I dare not fathom what could become of such an unleashed animal.

Ruled by the devil himself with your glaring looks, not even a word is uttered in my direction.

If it’s a performance you are seeking, I will present you with an oscar worthy one.

I’m so glad to have celebrated one year of marriage to see it all blow up like this.

If there was ever a clearer tale of who you truly are.

Seeing you now is like seeing a stranger.

Unforgettable

Tonight you blew up.

You tossed your words without care.

You put me down.

You belittled me.

I feel numb.

Part of me wants to cry, to blow up, to hit, and show you how wrong you are for how I feel.

But this path isn’t new.

Sadly it’s familiar.

It’s the same attempts to hurt me being used once again.

The pain stings but not as much as before.

The anger rises but not as much as before.

You should feel ashamed of yourself and the words you cut me with.

What could have been a conversation turned into a bashing of your lips.

You hurled insults because I was concered of our daughter’s well being.

How sad for her to want your love and affection and to not receive it.

What message does she receive instead?

Pushed over. Rejected. Not good enough.

It’s so hard to hear her beat herself up as it is.

Dad’s should love their daughters with open arms and lots of snuggles.

She’s just a young girl.

My heart breaks more for her than myself.

And of course, you’ve once again said that I should divorce you and leave you.

We just celebrated or rather acknowledged our 1 year anniversary a couple weeks ago and here you are encouraging me to leave you.

Sometimes I wonder why I stay. You are the voice always prompting me and pushing me towards someone else.

You stir up these negative thoughts and hope a half caring apology will somehow make me forget.

As though there is no one else in the world for me to fall damgerously in love with.

You’re always gone these days. We barely have time to talk and when we do talk I’m the one mostly speaking.

We cuddle more now than before but every night you sleep with your back to me.

It’s cold on the other side.

No chance for intimacy in this relationship.

I’m lucky if we have sex 3 times a month and even luckier if you’re able to keep it in.

What you don’t realize is that when you cut me down, my brain unveils all the ways you hurt me.

As thought sex with you is some gift from the heavens that I should appreciate it even when your dick is too limp to go in.

The frustration and anguish I feel and then knowing weeks will go by before you attempt anything again.

But that’s life right? Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

It’s not the end of the world, but when you tell me to never speak to you again I think of all the other men who would give me their attention and when you tell me to divorce you I think of all the ways I could be fucked.

I don’t mean to think those things but you open a can of worms that takes longer to seal off each time.

You have a way of bringing out the most hurt in me. The anger, the lust, the desire, and most deadly, the revenge.

I don’t mean to be that girl, but what you say is unforgettable.

A sad feeling

A sad feeling

Back again

Why is it so hard to communicate?

Why is it so hard to express that I need more from you at times?

Why does my heart feel heavy?

Maybe I should stop doing all that I do.

But would it get done?

I’m not perfect.

I have my moments of insecurities.

It shouldn’t come back to this.

This feeling of sadness, emptiness, abandonment.

I wanted you close but I somehow pushed you away.

I just needed you. I don’t know why but I did.

I’m sorry I’m so messed up for needing you.

I love you.

You don’t know what it’s like to be me.

To have your brain never turn off.

I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.

How can I make it better?

I can’t!

I won’t!

It won’t be better because of me.

What’s the price for this feeling?

Loneliness I suppose

A bit crazy

It’s a little crazy isn’t it?

Sitting here reflecting back on how I used to react.

Fueled by pain and heart ache.

Never knowing how long the feelings would last.

Feeling trapped in the past.

A cycle that came on all too fast.

Take a breath.

Breathe it in.

Cause this time I know exactly how long it will last.

This too shall past

It’s what I tell myself

To keep me from turning against myself.

Hands hot with furry

Rage in sight

Got my vision going blurry

Memories fade

As so do my lights

Black and cold it’s where I go

When I don’t want to feel no more

You’ve been told

You’ve been warned

About these feelings I have yet to learn

Caught by surprise

Often in a panic

Reflecting how my actions are gonna sink me like the titanic.

My pulse is racing

The jig is up

I better make a change before I end locked up.

I look up and I pray to God.

Please God help me turn from this lightening rod.

This rod of rage that’s rooted in my past

Please Lord help me understand how to make this hurt pass.

You died on the cross for my sins past and present

But i seem to be stuck in sin that’s ever present

I guess I was running but now i know

I’m down on my knees praying Lord please don’t go.

You promised me

And your word says it too.

That you will never leave nor forsake me too.

Lord I’m here if you can hear me

My heart cries out

That’s when I stand up and leave this life I’ve only known about

But it’s not that easy

And i don’t wanna be cheesy

But when He gave his Life He knew it wasn’t easy.

Lord I pray on this day

That you would take the sins that I make

And awaken in me a soul that’s only yours to take

And so that when i look back

I can honestly say God took me away from that

Isn’t it crazy?

Time Capsule

Have you ever feared what people would think so much that it completely stopped you from doing something new? I have. The post below is proof. I wrote the following below back in 2014 and somehow I never ended up publishing it. I decided that fear is a liar and public opinion is NOT my opinion. While I am certain I had more than 3 products that were my favorite. I can attest that I truly miss that bronzer and used the life out of my rotating iron and have burned the wick down to the very bottom of that candle!

 

 

Circa 2014:

Happy New Year Everybody!!

Well with the New Year comes new beginnings! So this year I am beginning with some 2014 favorites! Sorry It took so long to post this but better late than never is my motto! It wasn’t that long ago that I was loving these very products, and I am sure I will continue loving them all through 2015!

1. Rimmel London’s Sun Shimmer Maxi Bronzer in Sun Star

I love using a bronzer in the winter because it adds a delicate warmth back to my skin as I begin to lighten out in the colder months. A nice thing about this bronzer is that it is buildable, so I was able to use it for my Nutcracker performance as well. It doesn’t cake from any possible oil left over on my brushes. It leaves a nice loose light feel on skin and it’s great for a night out.

2. Lemon Lime by Yankee Candle

I absolutely love this candle! The scent is so light and refreshing. I love burning this candle after I have just taken a nice hot shower. The scent is very uplifting and makes me feel ready to start my day on a good note.

3. Max 2-Way Rotating Instyler

I bought the 1 and 1/4 barrel Max Instyler because my hair is pretty thick as well as really long. This is by far my favorite hot tool of all time! It literally cuts my styling time in half and doesn’t leave my hair smelling weird.